Looking back.

Tonight, I have some things I need to do (we're throwing a bridal shower tomorrow morning!), but I wanted to take just a little time to reflect back to a year ago today. 

A year ago today we found out a little news that changed our lives.  I want to be candid; it was hard news to take at that exact moment.  And I do find that somewhat hard to tell you all, but I really want to (you may know it was difficult, but not how much).  So please know that.  News I wasn't quite ready for.  We weren't quite ready for.  Or so we (actually, mostly I) thought.  I wish I could say that I took it well.  I cried.  And cried.  And sat baffled.  I'd never been so shocked by any news in my life.  I've never liked big surprises.  It totally changed our plans.  Why would God change these great plans?  We would most definitely accept it, but I've never like my plans being changed.  Zach and I had always known that we wanted kids....we love them, but we had a timeline.  A few weeks before I was about to start school was not the most convenient.  People were so gracious with me during that time (I would say "we" for all of this, but many of these were simply my emotions).  People who understood that it would just take a little time for this "hard" news to become the good news that it was.  For me to recognize that it would all turn out alright.  That we'd need a little prayer and a few hugs along the way.  And it did take time. Those of you who have been reading this past year know this. 

But here, a year later, if you told me that our little Eloise Anne would not be here,  you'd be ripping my heart out of my chest.  Tearing me apart.  For my life to be void of her sweet smiles would be an absolute tragedy.  You'd be taking back the most amazing and generous gift that God has given us.  If life had gone on as expected, I would not have noticed our lack.  I wouldn't be aware.  I almost get sick to my stomach writing it, so much emotion welling up inside me.  If only I knew the great joy, I would never have worried about how we would handle it or how things would go (Isn't that always it?  If only we knew?).  It's been a wonderful year of learning.  Of letting (not so graciously, really) God work in my heart and showing me that He is constantly in charge.  Of growing closer to Him in new ways...calling out to Him a complete mess and questioning just what the heck is going on.  This baby has, in fact, been the greatest example that He has always known what's best, despite our big plans.  I loved the day Eloise was born.  My parents and family are a great gift, His leading to a great college was wonderful, the day Zach and I married was incredibly joyous and of course, most wonderful.  But the day Eloise was born, I felt the most incredible sense of God's presence ever.  That He truly and abundantly loved me.  I felt it not just in my head, but in the deepest part of my heart.  He is a generous God.  A loving God.  I am SO thankful today.