To the new year...

I've been wanting to write a post about life.  Because I haven't written a real post that involves more than a few words in a long while.  But every time I want to, I find myself kind of exhausted and burnt.  Wanting to write, but feeling a bit at a loss.  So, I'm going to try.  And I warn you, it may not flow.

I've been sick this weekend.  The consequences of encountering a whole lot of people with pneumonia and other bugs recently.  And I've been a total baby about it.  I know it.  I know this because I've spent the past week and a half seeing actual sick people in the hospital.  People who can barely breathe anymore.  People who are having to decide if they want to go on Hospice or continue treatment.  Not all patients are like this, but many.  It's incredibly sad.  I can't think about it too much or it makes me sick to my stomach.  I enjoy the hospital environment, but spending more than a rotation (or two - geriatrics still to come) there might be a little much for me (much respect for those in internal medicine).  And despite this dose of perspective, I find myself being a baby.  I hate what little free time I have being taken up by sickness.  It makes me cry.  There's so little time for Eloise and Zach already.  But, weirdly enough, despite the ickiness, the weekend ended up being the most relaxing one in a long while.  I guess that's what being sick will do to you.  We stayed at home and I slept a lot in hopes of repairing more quickly.  I even napped.  So, in ways it was bittersweet. And now, back to clinic tomorrow.  And here's to hoping I feel better in the morning.

It has finally almost hit me that graduation will be in 6.5 months.  Holy cow.  That means in about 7 months (post-boards), I will be a practicing PA.  And that is scary.  Things are beginning to come together more now that I'm in rotations, but medicine is like this great vast pit that you can never, ever get to the bottom of.  I swear.  I've been told by many that one of the best things to learn in school is how to learn.  Because treatments will change, medicine will progress.  And there's a need to progress with it.  To learn from current research.  But, I'm also learning that despite all the facts and medications I'm being taught, which are incredibly important, one of the most vital parts of medicine is to learn to listen.  Patients are dying to be listened to.  For diagnosis, for treatment, for piece of mind.  I've been amazed by the power of the white coat (even the short one I wear - short says "I'm a student," fyi) and the amount of trust it gives you.  I don't take it lightly now, and hope I never will.  So, despite the fact that school still feels hard, that I still miss my little one like crazy each day, I'm really going to try to embrace these next six and half months (okay, maybe after I'm feeling better :) of learning.  Taking that trust seriously, and being incredibly thankful that Jesus is on my side in all of this.  Because, He knows, oh, He knows, that there is no way on His green earth that I would have made it this far in school without Him.  I'm overwhelmed by that.  SIX years ago I decided to do this.  And about 5.5 years ago I began taking classes towards this end goal.  And it's almost over.  It happened!   Do you know what?  I never believed that it would actually come to fruition.  So, it really must be Jesus.  This process has drained me a lot and I feel so not like myself at times, but I'm thankful that what I think is the hardest part is soon coming to an end.  That although new stresses I'm sure will come, that I will never have to go to school again.  That is so glorious.  And in seven short (I'm starting to think they might feel short) months, I will be able to look back and be so thankful for what God has done and taught me.  So, I'd like to devote a little more of this year to the art of thankfulness rather than complaining.  To look at the positives rather than the negatives.  In life circumstances, I'm not so good at this.  And I desperately want that to change.   So, here's to 2013.  My year of graduation.  And a year of thankfulness.  Oh, yes.  And the year my sweet little baby (not so baby) turns TWO.  My word.

See, I told you it wouldn't flow. :)  Love you, friends.