Things I thought were so far away. My grandma bought me this shweater (I'm putting it up because it's one of my favs right now...from A Pea in the Pod) when she was visiting this past June. I remember strapping on that big velcro belly in the store (yes.), showing she and my mom, and thinking...When the heck will I be this big? What will it feel like? Will this actually happen? And now, this belly. I've got this belly. It's just there. So tight and present. And this baby, she moves. I couldn't feel her move back then. She's really there. So much time has passed. And we've worked through all these crazy feelings and emotions. We've come to such a new place from where we were just months ago. We've been really blessed with a supportive family and a really supportive group of friends. People who have let us talk through things and helped us and are still helping us. People constantly telling us that we're not the ones in charge. And not in a bad way. Can I tell you the joy of having friends who are honest and gentle at the same time? Please find some if you don't have them. Please.
So, my back hurts now. Every day. You should see the awesome ways I contort my posture to make it better. But it's temporary. And physical. And other than that, to be honest, things don't feel as hard as they did months ago. They feel maybe a little scary, a little new, a little surprising...but they don't feel so hard. You know when I wrote about that lag time a while back? When things were harder? I'm happy to say that I really think it has been shorter this time. That things have felt appropriately hard, but incredibly joyful at the same time. I'm definitely still mourning certain things. The desire to have had more years of marriage before kids. The desire to stay home with my kids right away (I'll be back in school this summer). Partially, the desire to have it "all together" at this point (and honestly, when does that really happen? :). But, it's a joy to work through things with God. To know that this is all part of it. It's all part of the gospel...the whole reason it's there in the first place. That you'll come out a little closer to God and a little more refined on the other side.