I've got to take a study break. Seriously. I haven't even gotten that far and I'm going psycho.
But, on a happy note, I canNOT believe my first year of PA school is almost done. If I pass all my exams (I sure hope I can after all this work) and make it through the next two weeks, I'm on to 14 months of clinicals starting in June (we only go to clinic four hours a week at this point). The amount of material we've been given this year is mind-boggling. Literally. My head is spinning every day and I have dreams about diabetes and failing exams. But in retrospect, the year has gone fast (okay, the days are really slow). And soon, I will forget that school was ever this hard. So, moving on to trusting God for making it through the next year.
Did I ever tell you all about Eloise going to daycare? Since January, she's been going to daycare each day and it was so hard at first (not because of the place, but leaving her somewhere new), but it's gotten to the point where she rarely cries when we leave her and sometimes cries when we pick her up (they've got good toys and lots of slides). It's still hard some days (there's not a day that I don't miss her like crazy), but despite that, she's made fun little friends (she even gives high-five to another little girl :), has learned a lot (songs, sign language, skills), has become quite social, and has a very consistent schedule that she seems to thrive on. We can still pick her up early if we're done early or keep her out if we're off, but I love that she has a place to go where she feels loved and comfortable. If any of you ever have trouble leaving your little ones, I'd be glad to comfort you.
And I do not think that by any means I've gotten a grasp on the great balance of motherhood and school. Blubbering mess would better describe me this year. But, I have learned the joys of making the most of my time with my little one. Taking her to the park every chance I get, even if it's just for a minute. Making trips to the grocery store a fun event together. Playing peek-a-boo while I dry my hair. Taking a walk outside together or putting her to bed each night. Because those times are such sweet gifts, and often sweeter when I've had a bad day. I've learned that balance sometimes mean sacrificing a few points on an exam for an hour of cuddling, and that sleep is not always as necessary as I thought. And that's okay. I was talking to a mom of three the other day and she asked how I was balancing things. I said, "Okay. Barely." And she said something to the effect that sometimes okay and barely were just fine. I think that's so freeing. And so sweet. Because it's really true. Sometimes I feel weighed down by the pressures of everything. I want to be a good student. A good mom. A good wife, friend, and daughter. I want to be a good witness. To be secure and teachable at the same time. And, I want my hair to be done and my clothes to be ironed. I want my house clean and my dishes washed. But there's just no way. I flat out can't. And I know God doesn't expect this of me. Because then I don't need His help. And that response is so graciously what I believe He would give - "It's alright, Colleen. Sometimes barely and okay are just fine."